...misophonia...

I have a hilarious friend, who is really the hott husband of my best friend, who once shared with me something I will never ever forget. He told me that his worst nightmare scenario would be "hanging out with my best friend's wife, while watching a soccer game, and drinking juice" I still laugh hysterically when I think about it. First and foremost because of how dead pan serious he was when he said it, and then secondly because it's the most random combination of things to hate. Oh, and I super love that he goes through life ACTIVELY hating juice...even enough to tell people he hates it. I mean, juice? HILARIOUS.

So not only does his aversion to soccer, juice, and an obnoxious girl make me laugh every time I think about it, but it also got me thinking of what my OWN most hated, worst nightmare scenario would be. I HIGHLY recommend that you think about this for yourself. Heck, I recommend you turn it into game with a large group of people, cause it gets FUNNY. Back to the point. I've been thinking and I believe I've come up Kellie Knapp's perfect nightmare scenario. Here it is, for your enjoyment.

Smelling gasoline, while hearing the sound of someone chewing, while wearing too tight of jeans while it's over 80 degrees and over 50% humidity outside AND a smelly dog is licking my arm or foot or something.

I could go on FOR DAYS. Shoot, I could probably fill up this entire blog and create one huge disgusting scenario that would drive me to drink. Things that included, but were not limited to: the smell of old sponges, gas station hot dogs, patchouli, cool ranch Doritos, having my arm touching a strangers arm on an airplane, mayonnaise, ketchup on kids faces and fingers, pie crust, tarter sauce, bumping my head on the corner of a cabinet, puppy breath, riding in a car made before 1980, and mosquitoes. But let's just keep it simple, shall we?

Let's review...

Smelling gasoline, while hearing the sound of someone chewing, while wearing too tight of jeans while it's over 80 degrees and over 50% humidity outside AND a smelly dog is licking my arm or foot or something.
Allow me to explain...

 The smell of gas makes me want to punch myself. I used to LOVE the smell of gas. My high school boyfriend rode dirt bikes and I LOVED how my hair and clothes smelled like gas every time I went with him out to the dirt bike course track thingy place. Now in my old age, ever since I was pregnant with Macy, I CANNOT STAND it. It makes me gag uncontrollably. Once, like and IDIOT, I tried filling up a small water bottle with gas, using a gas station gas pump...seriously? Am I kidding myself??? NO. I got spray-style ASSAULTED with gas and smelled like it for a week. I gagged a lot that week. Ugh. I LOATHE the smell of gas. I just gagged...for realsies.

I just don't like dogs. I'm sorry. I TRY to like dogs. I WANT to like dogs. I trick myself into thinking I like dogs....but I just can't do the dog thing. MOSTLY because they can't talk and that really frustrates me. Also dog hair is so super yucky. If I asked you to my house and told you to have a seat on the couch and it was covered in HUMAN hair...would that be ok??? The answer is no. So why is it ok for it to be covered in ANIMAL hair. I mean animals sniff butts, roll in dirt and eat dead birds or whatever. I'm sorry. Chances are if I know you, I don't  mind your dog and I may even like your dog. I just don't want to OWN your dog or smell a dog or let it lick me. Really though, to the dogs of the world, I'm sorry I don't want to own one of you.

I cannot stand humidity. CANNOT STAND IT. Nothing ever dries when it's humid outside, your car always smells funky when it's humid outside, and if you are similar to my size and stature, then you know that humidity equals a never ending case of swoobies. Not cute. Also heat is no friend of mine. I actually don't like when it's anywhere above 73 degrees. My favorite temperature is 68 degrees. In a perfect world the outside temperature would only range from 40 degrees to 73 degrees. Fahrenheit that is...for all my international, players with passports. :)

I abhor pants. Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for pants, I just abhor wearing them. ESPECIALLY tight pants. I hate being aware that I'm wearing clothing...does that makes sense? Basically, if I'm thinking about my pants, I clearly have the wrong pair of pants on. I don't want to think about it, and tight pants FORCE you think about your tight pants. Oh and then tight pants in HUMIDITY?? Shut up. I can't even talk about it.

The sound of chewing sends me flying into a fit of rage.  Ever since I can remember I've been super sound sensitive. Not to the volume of sound, but the TYPE of sound. For instance, I can tell the difference between milk being poured into a glass and water being poured into a glass. I'm here to tell you I DESPISE the sound of milk being poured into a glass or milk being drinken. ( drank? Drunk? Drunken? Whateves)

I'm also incredibly sensitive to the sound of sneezing and sniffing. Like I MAY just cut you if you sniff non stop without blowing your nose...except I hate that sound too, so please blow your nose in another room, thankyouverymuch.

Also I have a really hard time hearing not so common words, repeated a bunch of times in a short period of time. For instance, in high school we were on a family vaycay in Hawaii and when we were there my mom said the would "plantation" and "cottage" A LOT. I remember getting SUPER angry and wanted to hit something because she said "cottage" roughly 10 times in under a minute.

I can't be havin' that yo.

But friends, family and countrymen...the pièce de résistance of this sound dilemma has GOT to be the sound of chewing. I beyond detest the sound of strangers, family, my husband, my children or even MY OWN chewing. Who takes issue with the sound of their OWN chewing.??? That would be moi. We play background music at EVERY meal in our home and I've been known to flip out on a person who doesn't chew with their mouths closed. Like I will compulsively jerk away from your gross chewing sound and instantaneously hate you for it. SO rude right??

It's embarrassing really, all this dramatic, rage filled,  uber sensitivity to sound. 

Up until a few weeks ago, I thought it was all in my head, as did my husband and I'm sure my cottage and plantation loving mother...

Well, guess what???? 

My sister, Katie, sent me a text that changed my life. READ IT AND WEEP YA'LL!

I wikied that shiz SO FAST...you may check it out here....

Basically it says this..."People who have misophonia are most commonly annoyed, or even enraged, by such ordinary sounds as other people eating, breathing, sniffing, or coughing; certain consonants; or repetitive sounds.( me, me, me, me and ooh, me too!) People with misophonia may be diagnosed with mood or anxiety disorders as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder. ( I don't have an official diagnosis but like, come on.. DUH.) Though a few sufferers are bothered by sounds they make themselves, most are not. ( I am the 1 %!?!) The reactions are completely involuntary. ( THANK YOU!)

I hereby am publicly diagnosing myself as having a severe, inoperable, case of misophonia.

I am suddenly feeling very vulnerable about exposing my inner most psychosis. Do me a solid, tell me your worst hate, most nightmarish situations and make me feel better...plus I love hearing them. :)